Why Me??

It's been so long since I've posted in my blog. Not because I don't have thoughts but because I'm kinda lazy lately. Or maybe I'm just tired. I never thought I'd get old but all of the sudden I feel old. My body aches I move slower and some days I just wanna wear pjs and lay on my couch. I know we all grow old but lately I've been wondering why me. I want to be young and do the things my 19 year old self could do. I want to be able to work hard and not feel the effects of it for the whole next week. But I realize forever young is just a song and whether I like it or not I'm going to get older. So I've been trying to put together some reasons why getting old is a good thing. I've come up with a few. 

1. My not quite so firm body is better to snuggle and it provides a place of refuge for sick tired grandkids, old dogs, and sometimes even a young dog who thinks her place in my bed is on top of me. 

2. I have gained a lot of knowledge over the years, most of it through bad decisions, mistakes, and wrong turns. I may not be able to tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do. 

3. I'm starting to realize that a more simple life is a better life. I don't need so many things as I just need my family and a few good friends. 

4. Afternoon naps are the best. When you're old you're allowed to take them. 

5. My need for doing things perfect or others people's version of perfect is not so strong anymore. When you're old you're just lucky to be doing things. They don't need to be perfect. The fun is in the doing not the end product. 

6. If you're not getting older you're dead. No need to explain that one. 

7. I am learning to allow myself to rest. If the whole to do list doesn't get checked off today there's always tomorrow and if not tomorrow then the next day. 

8. I've learned I can't judge my own success using someone else's measurements. I love to crochet but I'm not that fast at it. One of the reasons is that my memory doesn't remember what I'm doing very well so I really have to think about what I'm doing. I realized as long as I enjoy it why does it matter if I'm not as fast as someone else. 

9. A year ago I started taking an aerial silks class. I'm not big into exercising but this class was a true workout. I've never worked so hard in my life yet I enjoyed it so much. I realized it's never to late to learn something new. 

10. I've learned that when you get old you can wear anything you want. People might stare and they might even point but it no longer bothers me. If I want to wear an amazingly bright Rafiki sweat suit I will and I will love it. When your old you can be eccentric people just blame it on your age. 

11. Another thing that happens with age is you get to speak your mind. You can say what you want and people just shrug and say, well she is old you know. Like being old is a pass of some sort. 

I've decided instead of asking why me I'm going to ask why not me. I've earned it. I deserve to take a nap now and then to slow down. To sit and drink my coke and eat chocolate so I can keep my fluffy self fluffy. I'm not going to quit being me, but I softer, fluffier, brighter, maybe somewhat wilder(in a good way) me. 

Grow old with me the best is yet to come. 

Of dog leashes and life lessons

I stood on my front porch the other day untangling my dog leash. It was tangled and knotted and a big old mess. As I watched cars go by and I untangled and untied and fought and used a few choice words, I realized that it had only taken a few minutes to make this mess and a lot longer to fix it. After I finally got it untangled I looked at it and the knots were out and the tangles were out but there was still tweaks in the rope that were permanent. It dawned on me life is like that. It only takes a second, a couple of wrong words to completely tangle and knot up a relationship, but it takes days, months, and maybe even years to undo the mess, and then even after that, there will be little tweaks that will never go away. We need to choose our words carefully, be slow to jump to conclusions, and quick to say I'm sorry and I was wrong. I hate it when my dog leash is tangled, but I hate it even worse when my life is. 

Hey you, I don't think your yard is big enough for all those lights!!!!!!

     I guess I will confess I am kind of a Scrooge at Christmas time. I am not a big fan of Christmas music. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate it. I just don't play it 24/7 from July to June. I don't like putting up my Christmas tree and decorating it. I like it once it's up but I really wish I could just twinkle it up. Wrapping presents drives me crazy. Gift bags have really helped me solve this problem. It looks way better than showing up at the Christmas party with different colored Walmart bags carefully knotted with bows taped to them because that little sticky square thing won't keep them attached to the plastic. But one thing I do love is the lights. Although I don't really like putting those up either(I solved that problem by leaving them up all year.) in my defense I only turn them on for special occasions, if it's not the Christmas season. 

     Anyway my love for Christmas lights is really what this is all about. I share this love with my oldest grandson and him and I have made it a tradition to drive all over the valley one night before Christmas and look at the lights. Last year we even did a  light scavenger hunt. Do you know how hard it is to find a house with only white lights on it when you need one. And those snow globe things, does anyone really put them on their lawn, or do they only exist in Home Depot. 

     This brings  me to what I've been thinking about. My grandson comes to my house after school on Thursdays and as I was taking him home the other night we were of course looking at the lights. One house in particular caught his eye. It had a small yard and there were so many lights, wooden cutouts, various vignettes, that it was lit up like daytime. He looked at it and as we drove by he said "Whoa way too many lights. No maybe not. When it comes to Christmas lights there's no such thing as too many lights."  For some reason this stuck in my mind and after I let him off I drove past that house again and this time I really looked at it. It was in my mind complete chaos. It was lighted ADHD. As I drove home I was thinking about that yard. I'm sure the owners had it he best of intentions and each piece on its own was striking. But put all together it was a mess. 

     How do we approach this Christmas season. Traditions, obligations, gift giving, parties, fulfilling everyone's wants and needs. Each thing on its own is not so bad, but try to shove them all together into your small yard and it's instant chaos. Now maybe I am just getting old but I remember having 4 small kids and trying to help them experience everything, we needed to bake, give our neighbors perfect plates of candy. We needed to see Santa, write letters, buy presents for everyone, host parties, go to parties. I felt the need to make sure the kids got every last thing on their lists. It got so I hated Christmas and what it brought with it. 

      I was tired, stressed, broke, and left feeling like I still hadn't done enough. Did we have enough traditions, did my kids get everything the television and their friends told them they needed? When they returned to school after the break would they be able to talk about their perfect holiday??? 

        Three years ago we spent Christmas in the hospital with my daughter as she gave birth to her precious little son. I was reminded of that night so long ago when another young mother gave birth to her precious son. I'm sure she was similar to my daughter, young, afraid, in awe of the great miracle that had just taken place, and totally unsure what the future would hold. I began to realize that Christmas is not about chaos, stress, spending until we can't pay our bills and then wondering if our electricity will get shut off in January just because we had to buy everything on that list. It's more about spending time with our loved ones doing things to bring Christ more into our lives.

      My neighbors don't need me to spend days making candy. A small reminder that I appreciate them is just great. I don't have to make sure that everyone gets everything. A gift from the heart is always appreciated. Traditions are great but each family has their own and you don't have to try and do them all. Pick a couple that your family will enjoy and do them. Don't let Pintrest lead you to believe you need to make, bake, decorate, and gift evey pin you see. If I don't want my tree up 4 months before Christmas I shouldn't feel pressured to do it. And if once it's up I wanna leave it there until Valentines Day I should be able to. Don't let others expectations become yours.  Do what makes you happy and only what you can comfortably afford mentally, physically and monetarily. 

     Let Christ be the center of your celebration. Everyone should enjoy this time of year. Even you. Take time for yourself, read the Christmas story and really think about what it all means to you. Don't get so caught up in doing that you forget to do. We don't need to cram everything into one short month. We can show love and kindness all year long. We can give a hand to our neighbors, give the gift of our time all year long and have a more Christ centered life all year long. We need to take time to slow down and smell the pine needles.  

     We have all been given the greatest gift of all. The Son of God, and all that he brings with him.  I value my family and friends far beyond anything that can be bought in a store or online. I want to enjoy this season full of love, hope, and faith to start a new year. 

     May your days be merry and bright and may Christ be the center of your celebration. Merry CHRISTmas. No happy holidays from me. 

Random thoughts from a delirious genius

When I can't sleep I think, and the more I think, the more brilliant(delirious) I become. Lately sleep has been hard so I have been thinking a lot and I have a few random thoughts to share with you. 

 Life and relationships are a lot like sugar cookies. Have you ever bought one of those beautiful sugar cookies from the bakery and they taste just like cardboard covered by crisco mixed with some food coloring. Yucky!!! They look good on the outside and require no work on your part but they are crappy to choke down. Well marriage and family relationships are kinda the same. If it looks good on the outside but you put no work into it it's gonna be crappy on the inside. 

Which brings me right to my next though. If God wanted us to get married and have children and families and all get along, why didn't he make men and women so we think more alike, children so they come with schedules, manners, and good behavior in public. I've thought about this one a lot. At first I was thinking it's not fair and it's not right. But the more I thought about it the more I began to think, first of all I don't believe we were sent down here to skate by. We are supposed to be learning and growing. If you don't work at something there will be no growth, and also if you have to work for something the reward is that much sweeter. So I guess my though on this is marriage and family wasn't meant to be easy. We need to work at it so we can grow. When you get a sticky hug and a chocolate kiss it's all the more sweeter because you have been needing an affirmation all day that the sticky little monster running around the house pouring syrup on the dog loves you in spite of being on time out 3 times before 9 A.M.  When your teenage mutant ninja stranger asks if you can have a talk you'll be thankful that they want to confide in you and ask for your opinion even if it's two o'clock in the morning. When the stranger your married to dances you clumsily around the kitchen you'll appreciate this romantic gesture. I guess we were meant to learn and grow together, to work at these relationships and to exercise our love and patience so they will grow. 

Next thought the people of Walmart website should be renamed the idiots of Walmart. Why do people think they are the only ones in the store?? You'd think they'd notice the crazed woman muttering obscenities and mentally painting bulls eyes on them where she's gonna ram them with her cart. I don't get road rage much but put me behind a shopping cart and my crazy shines right through. You cannot possibly need two carts completely blocking off the aisle to discuss toilet cleaner with your husband. 

Ok now first I have to say I think exercise and keeping fit is great. I think that we all should do some type of physical activity daily but if your pectorals are bigger than your brain I suggest you need to do something besides lift weights. The mere fact that you can bench press a small automobile does not make you a better person than those of us who can't. It just means that you can bench press a small automobile. Period. That's all. How about you work out that brain and personality once in a while. 

Ok just some random thoughts brought on by lack of sleep. Hopefully if you take time to read this it brings on some random thinking in you too. The world needs more delirious geniuses. I can't possibly take it on all by my self. 

Spread your piggy wings and fly my friends. You will never know what awaits you until you try. 

Time to say it

           Soooo....it was my birthday and I am gonna use that as an excuse to speak my mind.. If you're easily offended you might wanna stop reading right now, or keep reading so you can see what my hands are gonna type before my brain stops them. When I turned 50 last year I made a list of 50 things I have learned throughout my life. it was a good list and I felt good about it, but this year I have been noticing a lot of things I wish other people would learn. I am not perfect(truth is I am not even close) but I notice things, I see people hurting or upset because of other people. I see a world where things seem to be so out of control. I see people that won't look beyond themselves and help others, on the other hand I see people asking for help when they very well have the ability to help themselves, they are just to lazy or expect someone else to do it for them.
           Well here I go. I hope you can still like me when this is finished. First I am gonna address something I never thought I would in my blog. I try to keep myself away from politics and religion on here, but my religion is who I am so I guess I will address something that has been bothering me. We all have opinions and we are entitled to them, but when you go to share an opinion in church,  make sure you do it kindly. not accusingly. If you have never made a mistake in you life, feel grateful, not superior.
If your kids are perfect, feel grateful not superior.  If you have all the faith in the world and you never stumble or wander around in dark places feel grateful, not superior. I have stumbled, I have fell, I have kids who I love with all my heart who have made mistakes. I have a tattoo (no I am not getting it removed). I appreciate and respect your opinion, but on a hard day when I might be doubting my own worth and you accusingly tell people that they aren't good enough to be at church, I might go home and never go back. I doubt it because I love my Heavenly Father and I have no doubt that he loves me and the peace I find when I attend church and go to the temple will never be ruined by people like you. But let me remind you of something...if you're so perfect maybe you don't need to be at church, the rest of us sinners are the ones who need to be there to learn and grow and develop the things we need to carry us into the eternities. So if you have already arrived at perfection maybe it's you who doesn't belong there at church with the rest of us sinners.  Something for you to think about!!!
         Next gripe......if you don't have a job, don't care to get a job, are too busy to work at a job, don't expect to have everything that people who have jobs enjoy. Now I know some of you who know me might think wait, you don't have a job, true and mostly false. My husband and I have made the choice that having me home to help on the farm when I am needed, being able to do paper work when I am needed, and taking care of my cute little grandson is my job. It's all I need, and don't worry I won't ask to borrow your boat so I can go boating, or take your Harley for a ride, or anything else. This world is about earning the things that you want. Paying for your needs before your wants and prioritizing things. I have never been on a vacation to Hawaii, or Mexico(more than walking into Tijuana  one time at night on my senior trip) but I do have a motorhome that I park quite often at Crystal Hot Springs for a few days. It works for me because I can be home in less than an hour if I need to be. I won't begrudge you your vacations because I don't get to go so don't begrudge me mine. Same thing different destination.  We have fun things, big horses, little horses, wagons to be pulled by horses, goats, chickens, zebus, donkeys I could go on and on, but we work to have those things. Someone has to feed them everyday. Even when it's cold and the water is frozen and the wind is blowing and their hay bales are frozen to the ground, yup someone has to feed them. Hmmmm..still sound so fun.
           Next... I have a brain injury, I look fine, and I mostly act fine, but you don't know what is going on inside my head. Sometimes when I am in a big group of people all talking it sounds just like the teacher on Charlie Brown Wah wah wah blah blah blah blah. If I look at you with a blank expression or walk off with out answering you it's because I have no idea what you just  said. If I turn down invitations to big events, or even small ones, it's not that I don't like you or even that I don't wanna go I am just tired and when I am tired, too may people just give me stress, lots of stress. If I seem quiet, I am probably just having a moment, I sometimes start to feel distracted, over stimulated, and i just need some quiet. I still like you, I just need to be alone for a minute.. Sometimes I avoid people and conversation when I am not feeling good, it's just easier, sorry if I offend you or make you feel unwanted, but my mind is sometimes like a top that won't stop turning and I am just too tired to deal with anything else. It's taking all my energy to just make it through this day. Tomorrow or the next day I will feel better and be able to handle something more.
    I guess if I could put it into a few basic things it would be this....Be respectful, be grateful, be accountable, be nice, be appreciative, work for what you want, don't expect other people to give something just because they have it. Be a friend to someone who needs an extra support, have fun, do the things that make you happy, and always be true to who you really are. Don't judge others you have no idea what is going on in their head or their heart for that matter.
       I am grateful for good friends and family who love me, who will go play with me, and who I know will always be there for me.

   

Emotional roller coaster

These past few weeks have been an absolute roller coaster around here. We had ups, downs, twists, turns, and even some loops. But as I have reflected on them I realize once again I have been given many opportunities to learn, grow, stretch my wings and I have been reminded of some things that I have already learned but needed to remember. I would like to share a few with you. 

1.  You are never too old to need your mom. 

2.  As a parent watching a child in pain whether it's physical or emotional is one of the hardest things you will ever do. 

3. A round about in Providence Utah, is  not even in the same class as a round about in Centerville. 

4. If you let fear control you, whether it's the fear of something happening, something not happening, or what someone else might think of you; you will never feel complete happiness. 

5. When a tragedy happens it can bring you together, but if it doesn't it will tear you completely apart. 

6. One minute you can be blissfully happy and in a blink of an eye, you can became devastated, so scared you can't breath, fighting to hold it together, and wondering what the heck happened. 

7. God will push us to our limits and then a little farther. They say you will not be given anything you can't handle, but I read somewhere about us being pushed beyond our limits and having to look beyond ourselves to be able to continue on. I know it's true. I have had to turn to God, family and friends to make it through some of the hard times in my life. Don't try to do the hard stuff alone.

8. It is not always necessary to act like you're fine when you're not. Sometimes when you get asked, how are you doing, you need to say, really crappy, thanks for asking. 

8. A good laugh, a hug, some good food, a song played really loud on the radio , the giggle of a small child, the wagging tail of a puppy, all of these things can change your mood. 

9. Life is hard, never fair, and sometimes even downright scary, but the alternative to going on isn't a very good option.

10. Last but not least, it's important to try and understand why people who you don't really care for act the way they do. Sometimes you will find yourself feeling sorry for someone and understanding them instead of disliking them. Along with that grudges hurt only the person holding on to them. Anger and hurt will eat you up from the inside out.

My piggy friends we all have hard times that will stretch our piggy wings. Put these things to work, learn from them, remember them and be grateful for the opportunity to exercise your wings. 

Spread those wings and fly my piggy friends. 

Stuck in the mud!!!

    Once again the farm provides me with an important life lesson. Springtime is also mud time on our farm. We HAVE mud!! Not a little mud, not JUST mud, but the kind of mud that sucks your boots in and doesn't let them go. The kind that tractors just fall in and don't come out of on their own. The kind that swallows elephants whole. That kind of mud. 

     As I was riding around in the ranger this morning with my grandson, I was thinking about mud and getting stuck, or more like how not to get stuck. As we came to a spot that looked kind of extra gooey I debated throwing caution to the wind and just plowing headlong into the bottomless mud hole. But suddenly I pictured myself wallowing through knee deep mud with no boots on because they got sucked off a few steps back, carrying a screaming two year old because he wants to drive, and trying to figure out a way to get that ranger out before someone else noticed my stupidity. I stopped and backed up and found a new way around. In the words of my grandson.."whew..that was a close one."

    I realized that so often in life that's what we do, we see the mud but we go ahead anyway, and then when we get stuck in the mud we are surprised, or mad. We could back up and go around, but we take our chances and go forward. Sometimes we make it through it no problem, sometimes we get scared part way through and slow down or stop and then we are stuck. Sometimes we are just stuck right from the start. The mud's too deep, and there is no way we will make it through. 

      Now what do we do? Well you can try to get out on your own, give it a little more gas, throw it in reverse, rock it out. Sometimes when you're trying to get out if you're not careful, you'll just be spinning your wheels, throwing mud everywhere, burying yourself deeper.  Sometimes if you look around you have what you need to get yourself out, and sometimes you need to call on someone else for help. The trick is calling for help before you bury yourself so deep that it seems practically impossible to get out. 

     Now don't get me wrong sometimes life puts mud in our path and there's no way around it. We have to go through it, get a little bit muddy, and maybe even work our guts out to make it through.  When you get in the mud bogs of life, you can't slow down and drag your feet or stop. That will guarantee the mud will suck you down. What if your boots fall off, or something else isn't quite the way it should be, should you stop? Only if you want to sink. What if it's so deep and gooey and you can't get out? That's when you call for help from your family and friends. 

      Another important part of making it through this mud bog  we call life, is preperation . If you get stuck and run out of gas, you will be sunk for sure. If you need help and you don't have any chains or a tow strap to use, you are in big trouble. Without the preperation life is harder than it needs to be. 

We need to prepare, to think before we dive right in, and if we need to, back up and go around, and last but not least remember it's just mud. It washes off. 

     We can make it through the mud, and if it takes us a while to wallow through the  bog, remember the mud only lasts for a while. Soon it will dry out and we will be on our way. 

       So my piggy friends spread your piggy wings and soar! With enough thrust even a pig can fly!!!