Thoughts from the south side of the hay stack

  They say people with ADHD are good at multi-tasking. I think that's true if you have the ability to organize your thoughts as they race through your head. In my case my thoughts just race around In my head like a rat all caffeinated up. This last week they have been especially bad. Kinda like a cross between the wild mouse and bumper cars. After losing one of my equine family members and my mom having her third surgery in a year. This one today being a knee replacement. I haven't been able to get them to organize at all. I hope that if I let some of them out in writing the other ones will calm down.  I have studied ways to calm down and relieve stress and one thing they always say is to go to your happy place. Well I realized that what I thought was my happy place wasn't really helping. I would imagine myself on a sunny beach(that's where I thought I'd be happy) pretty soon my feet were getting burned by the hot sand because I can't stand sand in my flip flops so I would have to go barefoot.  So I would head out into the water. Ahhh nice, wait I think I see a fin, is that a fin. I think it is. There is definetly a shark and it's going to eat me. Back onto the beach I go but now my feet are wet and the sand is sticking to them and it's getting on my beach blanket..... I hate this happy place!!! See my problem?? Now not only do I have thoughts racing through my head, but I am dehydrated, sunburned, and all sandy. 

      So this last week I have been thinking about my happy place. Where am I at peace the most. This led me to think about who I really am and that started the confusion again. I am a child of the hair band days. I still love to listen to some Poison, Ratt, and White Snake, but at the same time George Strait can melt me. I can put on my boots and chase a cow, help save a calf in the pouring rain and get covered in mud and poop. But I can get dressed up and cleaned up and act like a lady(kinda) I have chased cows in $250.00 blinged out flip flops, because they needed chasin right then. I have a wild streak that does crazy things sometimes and yet I am an old soul who is content to sit on the couch and crochet a pair of boots or a hat for one of my grand babies. I am deeply religious. I believe that God has a plan for all of us and that we will only get the best rewards in a Heaven if we work for them. I believe I will see my loved ones who have passed on someday. I believe that everything I do on this earth affects my future in Heaven. I am a person who feels deeply. I love with all my heart, but I also feel pain deeply when someone hurts me. All these things make me who I am. 

     So then where is my happy place?? In all my 50 years I don't believe I have ever figured it out, not until the other day. I was helping Pete feed the animals and it was clear and sunny. As I rode on the trailer loaded with hay I could feel the warm sun on my face and it felt so good. We fed the hay to the cows and as I watched them eating and content it started to dawn on me. I remembered back when I was a kid and I would see the old farmers sitting on hay bales on the south side of their hay stack in the winter. Just sitting there. Doing nothing. I often wondered what the heck was wrong with them sitting there, outside, in the winter, when they could be in the house. I realize they were probably just soaking up that feeling of warmth on a sunny winter day, that can only be felt on the south side of a haystack. Then I realized that my happy place isn't so much an exact place as a feeling. In the time right after we feed the animals and I know they are all eating and getting full. That they are all happy and healthy. In those minutes sitting in the sun on the south side of the haystack all seems right in my world. When I have the arms of one of my precious grand kids wrapped around my neck that is my happy place. When I am laughing with my family about good memories that is my happy place. 

   I think from now on when it's a sunny day I will take the opportunity to sit on a hay bale on the south side of the haystack and let my thoughts organize themselves while I just soak in the sun. It is my hope that each one of my family and friends can find their happy place. But if you are having a hard time finding yours come over on a sunny day, there is plenty of room on my hay bale for two and maybe we soak up some sun together. Maybe even solve a world problem or two:)

  

Thoughts for a new year....

I was going to write my New Years post earlier but as I looked over the past year I couldn't decide what to write. We had so many changes, some good, some bad, and some just different. I was thinking of the highlights and I have to say that probably one of the most touching and wonderful moments of the year surprised me. I hate court rooms, but when I had the privilege to see the finalization of my beautiful granddaughter's adoption I couldn't miss it. It caught me off guard how spiritual it felt. When my daughter and son-in-law talked about their love for this little princess I was crying like a baby. I carry that day high in my memories and pull it out whenever I need a reminder of God's hand in my life. As I thought of the remainder of things that stuck out in my mind I realized that the one thing that carried me through the year was the sure knowledge that God has had a hand in everything. The good, the bad, and the in between. How I reacted to the changes was up to me. At the beginning of 2013 I vowed to do my best with the trials that came along and then put them in God's hand. I have carried a picture of this in my mind all year and it has helped me through some hard times. At times it is hard. I have been told I have a fixer personality, which means I like to try and fix everything around me and to have control of everything. Because of that putting things in someone else's control, even God's, is hard for me. Sometimes I find myself kinda arguing with God. Telling him that if he would do things my way it would be much better. It wasn't until closer to the end if the year that I had an ah ha moment. When Pete got his birthday present of Dandy and Ace, two big black Percheron horses, we had a party and had family come for a wagon ride. When we hitched them up and started going they were not pulling together, but away from each other. Almost to the point where they were leanig so far away from each other that their feet were touching each other's. They moved forward but they were working about 10 times harder than they needed to. At the end of the party they were worn out. That day I realized that's kind of how I live my life. I move forward but I am always pulling away from things and it makes it a lot harder. If you've ever seen a good team pull together it is a beautiful sight and sound. As they get going they get into a rhythm so perfect you can only hear one set of hoof beats. They pull smoothly and efficiently. Both pulling their share of the weight. As I was thinking about this I come to another thought. We have one horse that likes to go faster and work harder and when his partner gets lazy he just digs in and pulls harder. That's what it's like when you really put things into God's hands. I can pull with him in an equal partnership , but when times get hard he will dig in and pull more than his share. When we pull together things move ahead easily and smoothly. When I pull against him, all that happens is I wear myself out, and when I get too tired  or too stubborn to pull he will pull my share too. The wagon of my life will keep moving forward. It is up to me how smoothly we go. My hope for the coming year is that I will be able to keep in stride and pull my share of the weight , but I know if I get too tired, or become unsure of my footing, God will be there to pull my share until I can get back into the rhythm. I am truly blessed and I am looking forward to  2014. Come what may, I will put my best self forward, and then put the rest into God's hands.